Kawaii or Die

Don't be alarmed by the title and bare with me as I tell my story! Just go with me guys~ (Me editing this two years from when I first wrote it)

The Backstory

A couple of years ago, just after I became a adult (I was over 18 years old, which in America meant I was a adult), me and my family went to Disney World. Imagine my how excited I was at going when I am was an adult and I could go and do anything, and how amazing I was going to look compared to when I went when I was around 17! I was excited to say the least, and I had this idea about how things were going to go. I was going to go to the parks and be noticed for once! I was going to lounge on the deck and scope out cute people while they checked me out. It was going to be a new Disney experience. Now some of you might just be wondering why I was trying to pick someone up at Disney World? Well not just kids go there for one, and two there are workers, and lastly because it is literally any vacation story there has ever been on T.V. or the movies.

But that was not going to be my reality. At first I didn't really notice or care how I was being treated as an adult! Did I notice that all the cute and age appropriate people were ignoring me? Well yes, but I was in Disney World! I was having fun anyways and that was all that mattered!

(SUDDEN TURN IN THE STORY)

Well fast forward to like the night of Halloween (or really close) when my relatives that lived in Orlando, also known as my uncle, and my family went to the Hard Rock Cafe for dinner. Everything was fine at first. Just your usual night out with family. That was until the three most gorgeous women sat next to our table (Y'all how did I not realize I was gay? No seriously). Not only were they very pretty but they also were pretty much unclothed subscribed to sexy costumes. Lets just say So the sexy nurse, sexy nun, and sexy whatever came to dinner. (I am sorry for the slut shamming, honestly still can't believe I didn't realize I was gay). For the rest of the night our table went unnoticed and these women got checked on every 5-10 minutes by a rotation of three different servers. (And me) Needless to say my ego took a massive hit (Still). 

Not to be mistaken, I am often the background to many people's life. (Aren't we all past Kim). Before and after I turned eighteen I have been looked over (STILL TRUE BUT WHO CARES YA BABY). Most (I) would say that once I talk people are very interested in what I have to say. Which of course is a polite way to say I don't look like much but once I get someones attention at least I can keep it because I am interesting. It is times like these that I understand what Oprah said about her past, she has always been viewed as smart rather then beautiful. This is of course not bad! Not at all! And these women who came in had no idea that they were hurting my ego and making a proud person humble, they did not set out to do this, and I understand that. However, that did not change how I felt and how I continue to feel. I honestly always feel like the consolation prize, girl number two, you couldn't get plan A so you would settle for plan B. (This whole paragraph is a clusterfuck and I gave up editing it half way through, if YOU are still reading let me just say that I realize that this is a short sighted and narcissistic view of how I interpret the world.)

I guess here would also be a good time to mention that by no means do I think I am ugly (THEN B I T C H WHAT WAS THAT LAST PARAGRAPH MY GOD), I know I am not (???). What I am saying is with my brown hair, brown eyes, 5 foot 2 frame, and 32A chest size (oh boo hoo you got a flat chest, cry me a river ya baby) I was not striking and was easily forgettable. Did people remember me after I went away? More times then not, when I have run into old teachers or people I have met at concerts, the answer has always been yes. I am forgettable.  

The Story as it Stands Now

I have not really worried about this too much unless I am talking to my friends. The ones who get hit on and get asked to dates. (Why does this matter to your Story Past Kim? You literally sound like the bitter cat lady you will become) The ones who hate it (for very good reasons it is very annoying) but they can not argue that they are ignored, that if they were to disappear no one would remember them. (My Chemical Romance playing in the background as I continue to cry about the fact my friends have told me all of this isn't true) They do not blend into the wall. Of course when ever I bring it up they are amazing and tell me that I am beautiful, that people do notice me, everything I need to hear to sooth my soul. I don't think they are lying, but my experiences alone compared to what they tell me are contradictory. (B I T C H you make ZERO sense I swear)

But between school and life and being lazy I could never muster up the strength to try to deal with my feelings in this respect. 

That brings us to the here and now, I am going back to Disney World in October. (It has been almost a year since this post) And this time I refuse to be the little wall flower in the background. I don't want to be sexy or half naked for this (YES I DO WTF, Short shorts are life and you lived in them in South Dakota SO DON'T EVEN) . I honestly would settle for not being forgettable. So That when people looked at me they weren't aren't looking past me but at ME. 

So some things have to change.
(Swell of the chorus to the Black Parade playing. Honestly? I had some dope outfits BUT mostly was still left alone so jokes on you Past Kim)

The Process

First thing I had to do was to form a picture of what I wanted in my head. What did I want to look like at the end of all of this? Where did I want my progress to be by the time we left in October?

Kawaii or Die

This lead me to the obvious revaluation. I want to be the kawaii-est person I could be (This didn't last long, idk what happened but I looked cool not kawaii). I want to live in the world of hard working pamper-er (aka getting nails done, shaving regularly, etc) so I could be my type of feminine. I could never become the women from Disney all those years ago but I could become interesting on the outside too. I don't have to try to be other people, I need to work at being a better me all the time. (Bolding for emphasis, this is something I am still working on and is the diamond in the rough of this post)

This lead me to the thought process of Kawaii or Die, which is obviously a play on ride or die. Ride or die people are in it through thick or thin, and I need that type of thought process going on this journey. To make the woman I see in my head each time I think of my future a reality.
(THIS MADE ZERO SENSE and would like to apologize for making everyone read that nonsense, it wasn't original or funny and just hurt me physically to read my god) (It also hurt me physically to reread)

The Changes B.C.E. or B.C.K.

So the changes Before Common Era, or in this case Before Common Kawaii have been pretty simple but they have gone a far way in helping me step away from the girl who blended in the wall.

I have died my hair, I am no longer technically a brunette. I have blue hair! And I intend to keep coloring it. It is a fun and experimental way at changing my look. (Dude I dyed my hair like a year before this post and went to Disney with grey hair and then shaved my head completely, wild hair is my thing now)

The scariest difference in this is all of a sudden I was being stared at, and not kindly, by complete strangers. I kept forgetting that my hair was blue so this scared me at first. The good part of this is that I have gotten used to this, and now get a lot more complements on my hair than I used to.

By dying my hair I have forced people to look right at me, and to acknowledge me. Now if I disappear people will remember me. I often find people double taking at me when they see me, which has never happened to me before. (This is the strangest sensation that many people with dyed hair have also shared but mostly I just sound like a sad butthole and I am) 

The Changes A.K. or The Changes to Come

Now that I know I want to make this change in my life, I am excited to start. Some of the things I have already started doing is putting lotion on my arms and legs daily. (As a white women in a white house hold I never did this before and it has changed my life, I never knew skin could feel and look so good! I am a dumby who never thought of doing that before despite living in a dry climate)  I have dry skin problems here, and to be honest don't want those there any more, lotion will help especially if I keep it up and do it all the time. It should pretty much eliminate my problem. (It pretty much has) The next thing is getting a new hair cut. I was inspired by the Disney Descendants and cut my hair like Mal's in the movie. Though I added some wicked V bangs instead. Not only do I get compliments on my hair color, I now also get compliments on my hair in general. (This didn't last but it was cool, my favorite hair cut since then has been a blue bowl cut) This was the cut I was thinking of getting before heading to Disney World but I am glad I got to try it out first. ( I did not do this hair cut in Disney... Surprise surprise) Test running the hair style gave me the option to change it if it ended up real bad. The opposite has happened and I am crazy in love with it so it is here to stay, at least until after Disney.

I also wrote down everything I wanted to change by the time I went to Disney World in a note book, detailed in to how I am going to do these changes, and what I will need to do them. It has been really helpful in deciding what change I need to tackle first.

And I started writing in a journal to help focus my goals and so that I could keep track of my progress.

(I literally don't remember any of this, though it does sound like something I would do. My experience at Disney was better and if I could take anything away from what I have learned this time is that I need to have more confidence in myself because this whole post was a sad buttholes post and was a waste of all of our time but hey...)

That pretty much wraps this up. I hope you all continue to support me and look for me on youtube (kaceycookies), tumblr (kermit-kim), or instagram (kermit_kimberly) if you want to keep track of my progress. I hopefully will be updating here more but you never know with school. Thank guys! You are the best. 

Cookie (This is my friends Break Dancing Name)
(I go by Kermit now)

(Also I graduated so uh yeah I am just lazy)